my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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