Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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