Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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