We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
