I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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