The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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