Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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