eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
