just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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