I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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