After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
