If that was your dad, he is hot
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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