1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
