Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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