I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
