I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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