my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
