five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
