i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
