I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
