Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
