I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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