one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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