You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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