I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
