She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
