Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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