I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
