best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
