just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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