My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
