I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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