Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
what day is it and did you see me today?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
