I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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