So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just high enough for therapy.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
