I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My liver just had a heart attack.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
