Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
