Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
