I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
