My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
