New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
