Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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