I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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