I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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