Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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