Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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