Cold hands, warm shart.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
