Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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