thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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