hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We left the knife in your bed.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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