I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
