did you get engaged???
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
