i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
