Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Fuck me I smell like cheese
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
