is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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