i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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