She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
