I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize