just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
