Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
